Shaken Down the Meanings of Being Me

Animal:

Animals hold a huge importance for me. They are something I wish I was quite often. I don’t know anybody who feels they don’t want to be human but I have that feeling a lot, I’ll talk about this again later though. Animals also bring up for me the way animal planet used to be, it was very educational when I was younger, I learned a lot about different kinds of wild and tame animals by watching that cannel. I think most women don’t like snakes, I wouldn’t want to own one but I do like them and I don’t fear them, I hold a lot of respect for every animal. I used to watch Steve Irwin a lot, I don’t care what anyone says about him or about the way he died, he got me started caring about the way animals live in the wild and what they look like and what they do and if they’re dangerous. I thought it was awesome he could travel all over and has so much knowledge about animals. I once really wanted to be like him, I wanted to travel and learn about animals and teach others what I knew about them. The first pet I ever had was a black dog named Jet Man (short for Little Jet Stream Vapor Trail) He was a mutt but he was an AWESOME mutt. He was a big gentile dog and I rode him around like a horse when I was itty bitty. I don’t remember much of when he was alive because I was so little but I remember when he died. He walked into the living room where we all were and he lay down and never got back up. We lived in an apartment at the time, with a neighbor upstairs, she was a crazy old lady and we suspect she poisoned Jet Man but we don’t have solid evidence, he just died too soon and he was very sick is what my mom told me about that. Of course the topic of animals also makes me think of horses.

Horses:

When I was writing out my bubble for horses I started crying, they are just a huge part of my life. I recalled when I was little riding ponies at the fair around in circles; to when I’d buy all the horse books at the scholastic book fair at elementary school, to starting a collection of plastic models that have turned into a herd of 111, to riding my first real horse. That first real horse belonged to a friend of my dad’s, her name is Lisa, and the horse’s name is Gambler. I met that horse just once, but I fell in love with the animals, just being around them was awesome. I was seven at the time, when I was ten I started taking lessons on a horse named Cynco. She was the first one I bonded with and I rode her once a week (sometimes I helped with barn chores, cleaning stalls so I could earn a free ride) for five years. I learned a lot in that time frame, a lot of dressage (basically the art of dancing with a horse, fancy ground work) She passed in October of 2007, I had gone on vacation and when I came back she was sick, her liver was failing. Of all the 10 or so people who took lessons on her from her owner I was the only one who visited her. Her owner’s name is Erin (she’s a really awesome person), I don’t know if that’s supposed to mean anything since our names are the same but she’s an awesome person, she said she had a friend with a horse I could ride. Turned out it was Gambler again. I leased him from his owner Katie (another awesome person), for $120 a month for a whole summer, the next summer I paid in taking care of him for her, no money; exercise, treats, and lots of love paid for me to ride that special horse. It’s funny when I talk to Katie about Gambler, I tell her he comes when I call and she’s like, “That’s funny, he doesn’t do that with me.” He’s 23 years old and I don’t know how long he’ll be here but he’s very important and I love him a lot. He inspects my pockets for treats, loves being groomed, doesn’t mind a nice ride. I hadn’t known the trails before I met him so when we went out it was an adventure, I still don’t know much of the trails but I always enjoy the adventure. Over all horses for me portray a bonding of trust and love. I feel safe and happiest with them and I wouldn’t trade the feeling of being with a horse for anything.

Unknown:

I've been turning around a lot, contemplating why I'm here, why I do what I do. The Unknown interests me, I'm always thinking of what could happen. What might have been, what will be, why things happen. I want to know so badly. I wonder about where I'll live, will I have my farm? My horse? My goats? (Yes goats…I love those little bastards, so cute!) Will what I want really manifest? Will I be successful? It's always on my mind, always rising to the surface. It’s not just the past and the future that makes me think but things that are already known to specialists but is unknown to me. Take a carousel for instance, I have no clue how it works, I know how the animals are constructed but I don’t know how the mechanisms in the structure work to make it turn and make the horses go up and down. I’m sure it’s different in modern carousels than it is in older ones but I still want to know how they work. I used to watch the How It’s Made show on Discovery a lot; I always loved seeing how things were put together. Anything I don’t know about I want to know about, not including politics, but that’s just me.

Support:

Feeling proud of my work just by myself sometimes isn’t enough; I love the support from my friends and family. The encouragement makes me feel comfortable and that the making of things (art) is what I should really be doing with my life. I think of my grandma a lot. She gives me money every month to put towards my college expenses and she says she does it because it is important to her. And it makes me think of what’s important to me and I’m grateful for the money she gives me (usually buy gas with it). She says the main reason she gives me money is because she sees part of herself in me, she had always wanted to be a commercial artist when she was younger but she never got the chance to pursue what she loves and she’s glad I get to have that chance. I don’t take anything for granted and I’m grateful to everyone who supports what I do and pushes me to continue to do what I love.

Lion:

This goes back to animals and not wanting to be human mostly. I have what I call inner personalities and one of them is a lion. A white lioness named Kitty to be exact. Lions by nature are large, powerful, carnivorous animals who live in close knit family groups. I feel that’s how I am, but mostly on the inside. I make these manifestations of being a large, powerful flesh eater (haha epic…) I suppose this would be odd to most people but oh well. It’s how I am. One more important ingredient to this inner lion is the fact that she is a white lion, which in nature are rare and beautiful and have a hard time surviving. I feel I am very different, often it makes me happy but sometimes I feel lonely and this lion is usually the manifestation of those feelings of being sad, lost, fearful, or angry. Since I’ve come to MIAD the lion has quieted down, hasn’t felt lonely or angry much so a new inner self has manifested. A white horse named Alice; she’s spunky and loud and has a lot of attitude. She’s and inner reflection of happiness and feeling at home in my new space that is MIAD. I’ve found so many people I can relate to and the horse has found her herd and she’s ready to run with them.